Life With Kreg - Comic Updated 3 Times Per Week!

WE'RE MOVING!!!!

2009-05-25T01:04:00.003-04:00

Now some of you may be looking at this comic and saying to yourself ... I don't get it? Relax, it wasn't supposed to be funny. It's just my way of telling you all that I am out of here. That's right ... I'm blowing this popsicle stand. I'm movin' oooon up, to the east side. To a deluxe Comicpress website in the skyyyhhiiighh. Mooohoovin on up (you probably can't tell, but I'm doing a kickass George Jefferson impersonation right now). So I'm just here to inform you that there won't be a new comic until Friday and it'll be coming to you on the brand spankin' new LWK website. Important: to all of you cool people who linked to me (YOU'RE AWESOME), I just want to remind you to make sure that you're linked to www.lifewithkreg.com. If you're linked to a "blogspot" address, you're about to have a dead link on your site, so you may want to check that out!

So for the next few days you can either browse through my archives or check out my links page ... there are plenty of great webcomics for you to check out over there. But be sure to come back on Friday, because you won't want to miss the unveiling of the new LWK website ... until then - peace!

BOX OF CHOCOLATE - Comic #66

2009-05-22T00:00:00.002-04:00

I’ll never understand the whole concept of flavored condoms. As far as I know, women are completely void of taste buds in their nether regions (although I have been with a woman who I swore was cutting teeth down there), so adding flavor to a prophylactic seems completely pointless. As for oral sex …it’s always been my number one rule that if something looks so gross and smells so awful, you actually have to cover it with a piece of scented rubber in order to work with it … then you probably should try and refrain from putting it in your mouth. Listen - I love chicken as much as the next person. But if it’s turning green and smells funky, I don’t care how much plastic wrap you cover it with … I ain’t go’ eat it!

MONOGAMY - Comic #65

2009-05-20T00:17:00.006-04:00

Now I’m all for a monogamous relationship. I don’t think men or women should be with more than one person at a time. I just have a problem with this whole “only being with one person for your entire life” thing. They say that variety is the spice of life and I believe that to be true. Finding the right person to spend the rest of your life with is like buying a new car. You’ve got to go to a few different lots and kick a few tires. Check under a few hoods. Turn a few keys. Adjust a few mirrors. Nail a stripper or two. Okay that last one doesn’t really fit in with this analogy … but I highly recommend doing it all the same!

STRESS - Comic #64

2009-05-18T01:17:00.005-04:00

Some people believe that the best way to deal with your problems is to face them head on. But I’ve always been more of an “ignore it and it’ll go away” type of person. You know the old sayings - “Out of sight out of mind” … “What you don’t know won’t hurt you” … “If at first you don't succeed, skydiving’s not for you”! Okay that last one isn’t exactly relevant to this conversation but I really like that saying. My point is; stressing over your problems isn’t going to solve them. It’s like my Grandma used to say before she died, “Peanut butter is only chunky on Tuesdays, because cows don’t look good in stilettos”. Grandma was on a morphine drip during her final days!

GOOGLE IT - Comic #63

2009-05-15T00:14:00.006-04:00

Now don’t get me wrong here. I’m not knocking Google or the Internet in anyway whatsoever. As a matter of fact if it wasn’t for Google’s Blogger, you won’t be reading this right now. I’m just suggesting that we don’t put all of our eggs into one basket. We need to make sure that we are keeping a paper record of the really important documents, just in case some worldwide catastrophe occurs that wipes out technology all together. I’m not suggesting that we keep a paper record of every document … just the important ones. The Constitution, the Declaration of Independence and Life With Kreg: The Blog Chronicles – Volume 1. I mean seriously, would you really want to live in an apocalyptic waste land without humor? Of course not! If the world gets to the point where you’re forced to eat your friends and family to survive, you’re going to want something funny to read while you eat, to keep your mind off of your situation (because you’re probably not going to get a hell of a lot of humorous conversation out of the main course). So purchase your copy of The Blog Chronicles – Volume 1 today to ensure that there’s still laughter in your life … beyond Thunderdome!

FREEBIES - Comic #62

2009-05-13T01:05:00.004-04:00

There’s nothing more disgusting than watching a child disappear beneath the seats of a movie theatre, only to reappear chewing gum that he wasn’t chewing prior to leaving. That is with the exception of watching him pick his nose and then feed it to his little sister. That is the most repulsive act that a child can commit … or at least, will commit for less than a dollar.

I probably could have gotten him to do more but I didn’t feel like breaking a twenty!

THE VIBE - Comic #61

2009-05-11T01:41:00.005-04:00

Pity sex has got to be one of the most underrated forms of sex known to man. I mean think about it. There isn’t a person alive whose heart doesn’t bleed at the sight of a puppy whimpering in the rain. We can’t help it, it’s in our nature. This means that pity sex can be manipulated out of all classes of people, even the really hot ones. And the best part is … sympathetic people have very low expectations, so you don’t have to worry about your performance. It’s like when I give my leftover pizza crust to the toothless old homeless man out behind my building. Do you think I’m expecting some form of financial compensation? Hell no. I’m perfectly content with a hand job behind the dumpster. As a matter of fact, sometimes while I’m back there getting ready to blow my load into the old dude’s mouth … I kind of get a sense of how Gandhi must have felt.

EXTREME MAKEOVER - Comic #60

2009-05-08T00:11:00.004-04:00

The thing that always makes me laugh about these makeover shows is the idea that giving people makeovers is going to somehow profoundly affect their lives. Putting a homeless man in an Armani suit isn’t going to make him any less homeless. If you walk into a woman’s wardrobe closet and every piece of clothing she owns looks like it should be worn by a hooker … maybe it’s because she’s a hooker! They need to realize that they’re not altering her lifestyle by taking her out of spandex and putting her into business suits. They’re just getting her reassigned to a better street corner!

LACK OF EDUCATION - Comic #59

2009-05-06T00:10:00.004-04:00

Okay I’ll admit it … I had problems in the 1st grade. But not the usual “too retarded to finger paint” type of problems. My issues were with nap time. I just couldn’t sleep during the day. So much so that my teacher Mrs. Marriott would cradle me next to her bosom and rock me to sleep. Oh and what a bosom it was. Even at that young age I had already developed an appreciation for the Mammary Glands. I didn’t know what their purpose was but I knew that they were soft, fun and I liked ‘em. But the special treatment from Mrs. Marriott wouldn’t last very long. She brought an end to it after just a few weeks. It may have been the fact she didn’t want the other kids getting jealous over all of the extra attention she was paying me. Or maybe she just felt that having a 7 year old making motor boat sounds between her cleavage while dry humping her forearm for 20 minutes was somehow inappropriate. It’s hard to say.

THE BIG BANG THEORY - Comic #58

2009-05-04T00:07:00.004-04:00

There are just some forms of cinema that should not be made in 3D and Porn is definitely one of them. Seeing things close up is bad enough; but I don’t want to pay $10 to have the sensation of being visually “T-Bagged” by some Porn Star’s saggy nut sack. I want my “Horror” movies in 3D, not my “Whore” movies. Sure the sight of a goalie mask wearing psychopath, chasing me with an axe may give me nightmares. But watching a 4 foot herpes sore on a 30 foot penis repeatedly disappear and then reappearing during the penetration scene (like some sick twisted game of peek-a-boo) ... is the stuff therapy sessions are made of. So I hope that the Adult Film industry will do us all a favour and leave the 3D to Pixar. And just in case they ever develop “Smell-O-Vision” ... you may want to steer clear of that as well!

THE FUNERAL - Comic #57

2009-05-01T00:01:00.002-04:00

I think I’d have to put funerals at the top of my list of things that I hate to do the most. As a matter of fact, I hate them so much - I don’t even think I’m going to show up for my own. They’re just so depressing (and yes I realize that a person has just died), but couldn’t we celebrate their life instead of mourning their death? I think the Irish have the right idea with the “Wake”. Prop the body up in the corner of the room for all to see and then party your ass off. I went to one wake where the family members spent most of the night parading the body around the dance floor. It was like a scene right out of “Weekend at Bernie’s”. Unfortunately the poor guy had died from being beheaded in a car accident. Let’s just say the stitching that was holding the old noggin on, wasn’t meant for rough housing ... by the end of the night the guest of honour was nothing more than a life sized PEZ dispenser!

MEET THE MAYANS - Comic #56

2009-04-29T00:07:00.006-04:00

There are a lot of theories out there about what’s going to happen come December 21, 2012. Which for those of you who aren’t up on celestial events, is the end of the Mayan Calendar (which is the calendar most of us follow). Some folks think it’ll be the end of the world as we know it. Others think that the date signifies the time at which the aliens, who originally brought life to the earth, are set to return. And still another group thinks that the date is simply the end of the Age of Pisces and the beginning of the Age of Aquarius. Personally, I think the reason the Mayans ended the calendar was because the guy who was creating it finally came to the realization of how much it was going to cost to have it printed. It costs me $14 to have a one year LWK calendar printed. The Mayan Calendar spanned over 5386 years. That’s like $75,404.00 ... per calendar. Not to mention the fact that at one page per month, the calendar would be 64,632 pages. That’s like four feet thick ... where the hell are you gonna hang it?

BEAN BURRITOS - Comic #55

2009-04-27T00:21:00.002-04:00

So why is it that we have products to freshen our breath but not our rectum? If you ask me, the odours that are being emitted from that end of our body are far more offensive than what comes out of our mouths. I mean how difficult would really be to create something along the lines of an Anal Altoid? Think of how pleasant long elevator rides would be if a product of this nature actually existed. Being confined to a small area with a flatulent individual wouldn’t be quite as repulsive if the room was being filled with little bursts of cinnamon. As a matter of fact if you knew that a person’s gas was going to have an appealing aroma, after hearing the unmistakable applause upon its release, you’d probably find yourself sticking around just to see what flavour it was going to be. It would kind of be like opening up a Kinder Egg, only instead of creamy milk chocolate in your mouth ... it would be the creamy residue of methane.

LOST - Comic #54

2009-04-24T01:32:00.005-04:00

Okay I’ll admit it. I’m addicted to the TV show LOST. I have officially become a card carrying member of Geekville. But I can’t help it ... the show is just so damn good. Every single episode ends on a cliff hanger. Television wasn’t like that when I was a kid. We tuned into BJ and the Bear every week just to see what the monkey was wearing. Our suspense came in the way of wondering which Golden Girl was going to be the first to die. As for Charlie’s Angels ... purely spank material. It wasn’t until the 3rd season that I realized the show actually had a story line. The only television program with any real entertainment value was Gilligan’s Island. I find it kind of ironic that 30 years later the number one show once again involves people stranded on a secluded island. Wouldn’t it be cool if the monster on LOST turned out to be Gilligan? It would make sense. The dude was on the island with Mary Ann and Ginger for all of those years and never got as much as a hand job. If that wouldn’t make you want to go poltergeist on people I don’t know what would!

TWITTER - Comic #53

2009-04-22T00:10:00.006-04:00

The guy who invented Twitter is a genius. It’s like an online encyclopedia with a built in referral system. Up until recently, if you were interested in a certain subject you would Google it and then have to sort through the 500,000 links that came up on the topic. Of which 95% of them would be completely useless to you. But with Twitter Search, you’re getting links to sites that other people (who may be professionals in that particular field), have already checked out and found to be interesting and useful. Let’s face it, if you want good food recipes you go to a Chef. If you want to learn how to make cocktails, then you go to a Bartender. And if you want good child porn, you go to Pete Townsend. Because according to his trial testimony, he’s done a lot of “research” on it. Yeah ... is that what we’re calling it now? If that’s the case then the FDA should give me a grant to cover the cost of all of the “research” I did on drugs throughout the 80’s!

UNQUALIFIED - Comic #52

2009-04-20T00:00:00.004-04:00

If you’re a grown man and you can recite the performance specs for the Millennium Falcon and you don’t work for George Lucas ... you’ve probably got some reality issues that you need to deal with. I hate to be the one to break it to you but all of that Star Wars stuff is just made up. But don’t take my word for it. If you don’t believe me, here’s what I suggest you do. Dress up like Anakin Skywalker and go stand in Natalie Portman’s backyard. One of two things is going to happen. Either she’ll come running out of the house and shower you with the affection that (in your psychotic little mind) you believe you deserve ... OR ... you’ll be tackled and repeatedly tazzed by three heavily armed police officers. If the latter is the case, have one of your friends take pictures and send them to me ... because I will definitely post that shit!

THE RESUME - Comic #51

2009-04-17T00:00:00.003-04:00

You may not agree with me here but I think that this shows ingenuity on Kreg’s part. There is so much blank space in the world that (with just a little creativity) could be used for huge financial gain. Just to give you an example ... why don’t rolling paper manufacturers sell advertising space to snack food companies right on their rolling papers? I don’t know about you but if I’m burning a big fatty and I’m seeing the Doritos logo pass by my face every time I hand off to someone, there’s a good chance that by the time that spliff is done, I’m going to want some damn Doritos. How about putting ads for porn websites on tissue boxes? Or even better yet, ads for stain remover on “crotch less panties”? Good stain remover, not the crappy kind. Sure I’m happy that the snail tracks are no longer visible on my passenger seat ... but the interior of my car still smells like the cargo hold of the Andrea Gail!

SCHINDLER'S LIST - Comic #50

2009-04-15T00:00:00.003-04:00

I think that Steven Spielberg and Walt Disney should get together and create a feature film that’s a cross between Schindler’s List and The Santa Clause. The premise of the movie could be that Schindler and Santa Claus get their lists mixed up. This would result in the Nazi’s invading Jewish homes via the chimney and leaving Christmas gifts behind ... which is very cruel seeing as Jews don’t celebrate Christmas. Santa on the other hand would force all of the good children to wear a candy cane patch on their sleeve while taking all of the naughty kids to Elfish Death Camps. I smell a blockbuster!

HEAVEN'S GATE - Comic #49

2009-04-13T00:11:00.007-04:00

The whole Heaven’s Gate situation was pretty crazy. A group of people getting together to commit mass suicide in the hopes that they would be taken to Heaven on a spaceship that was following the Hale-Bopp Comet. I watched a documentary which interviewed one of the surviving members (or as I like to call him “the sane one”) and he said that the group had prepared themselves for the moment of death for over 22 years. Apparently they spent all of that time just waiting for a sign to tell them that it was time to go. In the end they chose the passing of the Hale-Bopp Comet to be the event they were waiting for. I don’t know about you, but I think I would have held out for something a little more ominous than passing cosmic debris. Floods, Famine, Locusts, the Plague ... George Michael getting WHAM back together.

If there was anything that would make me want to kill myself – that last one would be it!

HAPPY EASTER - Comic #48

2009-04-12T00:13:00.001-04:00

Happy Easter - No comment (enjoy it while it lasts).

BAD TIMING - Comic #47

2009-04-10T00:50:00.011-04:00

I’ve never been the type of person who got turned on by listening to someone talk dirty to me. I’ve always been more of a visual kind of guy. I’m not saying that I’ve never tried telephone foreplay, I’m just saying that if I have my choice, visual stimulation is the way I roll. My first attempt at phone sex was really quite embarrassing. I’m not sure who was more outraged ... the attendant on the other end of the line (for my blatant misuse of the elevator service phone) or the four Clergymen who had to watch me satisfy myself for six floors. Truthfully - things didn’t really get ugly until I started milking my prostate. I don’t think that it was so much the act of doing it that appalled them, as it was the fact that I was using Father O’Maley’s fingers to do it.

Sure it was a little awkward in the beginning ... but once I started confessing my sins, he felt right at home.

THE PLANT - Comic #46

2009-04-08T00:14:00.016-04:00

4 tell tale signs that the plant you’ve just bought is probably illegal:

If the house you bought it from has boarded up basement windows and more exhaust fans than an automotive paint booth ... your plant is probably illegal.
If the hydro service bypasses the meter on the house and the doors and windows look more secure than your local prison ... your plant is probably illegal.
If the clerk who’s wrapping up your plant has the phrase “I Fucked Your Mother” tattooed on his forehead ... your plant is probably illegal.
And finally ... if there’s a crying naked girl chained to the radiator beside the checkout counter ... your plant is “definitely” illegal.

THE QUESTION - Comic #45

2009-04-06T00:00:00.003-04:00

I think it’s about time that we all come to terms with the fact that the reason we exist is for nothing more than to get laid. I realize that many individuals far more intelligent than I have pondered the meaning of life looking for some profound answer and ultimately it was all for not. We’re here to get laid people!!!! Why do men get jobs, buy cars, mortgage houses? To make themselves attractive to women so that they can get laid. Why do women diet, stay in shape, put make-up on and dress nicely? To attract men and get laid. Why do gay men diet, stay in shape, put make-up on and dress nicely? For the same reason women do. Why do priests take the vow of poverty, join the Parish and surround themselves with Alter Boys? Well I’m not gonna go there ... just in case it turns out that I’m wrong about this whole religion thing. Wouldn’t want to piss the “Big Guy” off any more than I already have!

TERRIFIC PERSONALITY - Comic #44

2009-04-03T00:01:00.006-04:00

We live in a very superficial world and it’s about time we started worrying less about appearance and more about what’s inside. What truly makes a person attractive is their inner beauty. It’s wrong to base a relationship solely on a person’s appearance. Looks do not matter! You will find the greatest pleasures in life if you just follow your heart. Stop judging the book by its cover and open up the pages to explore the treasures within. Trust me, if you do this you'll find that your relationships will be far more rewarding as a result.

But hey ... don’t take my word for it. I’ve been nailing “Hot Strippers” for the past 20 years, so what the fuck do I know?

ELECTRIFIED - Comic #43

2009-04-01T00:02:00.006-04:00

I’m beginning to realize that self gratification is pretty much the sole reason for doing anything in this day and age. Why is it that at some point during a night of drinking with the boys, the suggestion of peeing on an electrified fence ... starts to sound like a really good idea? I know that water conducts electricity and I know that human urine is made up off 99% water. So why would I endanger the life of one of my closest friends by daring him to pee on a high voltage fence? Why? Because it amuses me. There is nothing funnier than watching one of your best friends seriously hurt himself while in a drunken stupor.

As a matter of fact - not only would I “not” stop him from peeing on the fence. I would probably make him a hat out of wet sponge and copper wire ... just for shits and giggles.

TWO GIRLS ONE CUP - Comic #42

2009-03-30T00:10:00.005-04:00

Isn’t it strange how the male barometer for what we consider disgusting is somewhat hypocritical? If a child of our own flesh and blood happens to sneeze in our general direction and leaves even a minor trace of mucus within eye shot from us ... we are completely repulsed. Yet we have no problem whatsoever watching two total strangers “snowball” human feces for 20 minutes. It may have something to do with the fact that there are partially naked women involved. Hell I admit it. If the chick was hot enough and naked enough ... I’d sit and watch her tongue her way through the excreted Lima bean remnants from a discarded pair of Depends under garments, that had been tossed out the day after “Burrito Night” at the Seniors Home!

Is it just me or is anyone else craving Taco Bell right now?

FACEBOOK - Comic #41

2009-03-27T00:00:00.004-04:00

Facebook has done wonders for my self esteem. When I ask people to be my friend on Facebook, they pretty much all accept. Most people love me right up until the point that they actually meet me in person. Then they just sort of tolerate me for the balance of our relationship. But growing up - making friends wasn’t quite so easy. I remember this one time I asked a girl to be my friend. What a nightmare that was. Not only did she laugh in my face ... she proceeded to humiliate me by hanging me off of a second storey balcony (for all the other kids to see) in nothing but my underwear. I personally felt that this vicious attack was completely uncalled for.

If my Mother didn’t want me bothering her, all she had to say was “honey go play outside”!

BRUCE WILLIS - Comic #40

2009-03-25T00:24:00.007-04:00

You know there are a lot of advantages to dating a blow up doll. They don’t eat anything which makes them a very cheap date. They never talk back or bitch when you pee all over the toilet seat. They have no problem being the target when you have the boys over for “Bukakke Night”. And if you ever find yourself set adrift at sea as the result of a boating accident; not only do they keep you afloat until you’re rescued, but they also give you something to do while you wait (you know what I’m talking about). I once had a torrid love affair with an inflatable woman (she preferred to be called that over blow up doll). But sadly it just wasn’t meant to be. She left me for an inner tube.

It wasn’t so much the fact that she had walked out that bothered me ... but the fact that she had abandoned our two beautiful little water wings ... L and R. Whore!

THE SUBMISSION - Comic #39

2009-03-23T00:00:00.004-04:00

And women wonder why men don’t want to spend quality time with them. It’s because the majority of our time is spent fielding these stupid questions. Why did the guy on third base run home even after the pop fly was caught? Why don’t the cars way in the back just move up to the front of the pack when the rest of the cars slow down for the yellow flag? How come you pre-drill holes in the wood before you put the screws in? Why’s there a dead Asian boy in your trunk? If she had just been paying attention while I was tying him up and gagging him, we wouldn’t have to be playing twenty questions right now ... would we?!

Disclaimer: The dead Asian boy in this comment is purely fictional. Any similarities to an actual dead Asian boy in my trunk are purely coincidental.

ELWOOD - Comic #38

2009-03-20T00:14:00.006-04:00

A lot of you may not get the reference in this strip, so I’m going to help you find it. You’ll be just like Tom Hanks trying to decipher the Da Vinci Code, only this code isn’t quite as important. It’ll also give me a chance to plug the artwork of a friend of mine who not only draws a really great webcomic called Elwood, but also animates his comic as well ... show off! So here’s what you have to do. Click on the link at the bottom of this comment. It’ll take you to Mark Haldane's website. Click on the "Animation" link at the top of the page. The first cartoon on the Animation page is the one you need to watch. Watch the animated short and pay close attention to the newspaper during the opening scene on Christmas morning. The key to understanding my strip lies in that newspaper. If you do this just this one time, I promise that I’ll never make you work this hard to understand one of my comic strips again. It’ll be nothing but clear cut “Dick & Fart” jokes from here on out. So go now and be enlightened: Click Here

HALLUCINATION - Comic #37

2009-03-18T00:00:00.005-04:00

It’s really hard to say whether or not my brain was adversely affected by the years of habitual drug abuse that I endured throughout the 80’s. I mean, sure I may not be the sharpest knife in the drawer today – but then again, I never was. I’m the kid who ate paste in grade school. I wasn’t allowed to use scissors (or handle any sharp objects) until I was eighteen and even then I had to be supervised. Do you have any idea how difficult it was trying to dissect a frog in 9th grade biology class using a spoon? What a freakin’ mess that was. All in all I think I managed to make it out of that decade with the majority of my brain cells still intact. Sure I have trouble remembering things from time to time ... people’s names, important dates, not to run naked through the local mall singing “I feel pretty” ... that was embarrassing.

But that’s perfectly normal ... right?

EMBARRASSED - Comic #36

2009-03-16T00:50:00.006-04:00

This strip comes from the old “last night’s date in the trunk” routine. Some of you will know what I’m talking about. One of those nights where you drink until the point of black out only to wake up in the morning, lying in bed next to a girl who could easily pass for Sloth Fratelli’s little sister (he was the creepy one from the Goonies. No not the fat kid, the other creepy one). You spend the next hour trying to control your gag reflex as the thought of having had sex with it, plays over in your mind like the syphilis film you were forced to watch in health class. Your only thought now is how to get her away from the house without anyone seeing her. This strip is unrealistic in that it would be totally cruel to ask any person (with the exception of a hooker that you were planning on offing anyway) to ride in the trunk of your car. This is why God created “Limo Tint” ... a product that came in very handy during my binge drinking years.

WOODY - Comic #35

2009-03-13T00:25:00.007-04:00

There’s nothing that’ll knock you off your game quicker than having the rumour circulating, that some form of rot has infected the ol’ twig and giggle berries. Now I’m not saying that a rumour like this would make it impossible to get laid. If there’s enough coke involved, you can find a woman who’ll lick the scabs off of a Leper. I’m just saying that it makes it a tougher go with the classy ones. You know ... women with careers, education and teeth. The best way to avoid these rumours is to not contract an STD in the first place. I’ve personally been able to avoid such viruses by simply practising safe sex. I’ve also put a stop to washing my testicles in public water fountains.

Because you never know what kind of diseases the Sickos that drink out of those things might be carrying!

THE DUMP - Comic #34

2009-03-08T01:50:00.008-05:00

Here’s one for the ladies. I don’t know about the rest of you guys out there, but I’ve come to terms with the fact that if it wasn’t for “garbage day”, men would serve no purpose to women whatsoever. I mean think about it. With In Vitro Fertilization, Jiffy Lube and the new line of Black & Decker sex toys, what the hell do they need us for? In fact, man’s existence was almost eliminated entirely with the advent of the snap tight garbage can on wheels. Lucky for us some genius came up with that whole “recycling” scam. Saving the environment my ass. Women may be willing to roll the garbage to the curb, but they won’t sort through it. So remember gentlemen, those little blue boxes are all that stand between us and the intimate moments that we would otherwise be spending with a lubed up central vac receptacle. And contrary to what you may think ... there is just as much suction on the top floor as there is on the lower ones.

PMK TV - Comic #33

2009-03-04T13:44:00.010-05:00

Some of you may not have a clue as to what it is I’m referring to here. So for those of you who don’t ... before Elisha Cuthbert started acting, she was the host of a children's television show called Popular Mechanics for Kids. She was a good choice to host the show because she was also just a kid. Actually she was more of a “Tween” than a kid. Although I really don’t think that fact would reduce my sentence by very much. Nor would it reduce the amount of times that I would be forced to get intimate with a broom handle in the prison showers. Hey ... you don’t think that having every episode of PMK downloaded onto a computer under the file name “Spank Bank”, could possibly be seen as incriminating in anyway do you?

Okay I’d love to continue on with this explanation, but I think I hear my parole officer knocking at my door and I really need to erase my hard drive!

LOVE LETTER - Comic #32

2009-02-22T01:36:00.018-05:00

I’m a firm believer in keeping things short and sweet. You don’t want to give away too much information about yourself all at once. Some facts are better left to be gradually worked into a conversation at a later date. Things like your favourite hobbies. Where you stand on the whole religion thing. The fact that you like kids ... in a way that violates your parole. These are all things that should be brought to the table only after the relationship has had time to solidify. Trust me, not too many women would be willing to testify on your behalf, just three dates into your courtship. Sure a friendly game of bondage is perfectly normal in a healthy sexual relationship. But you may want to hold off on showing her the secret room behind the furnace, until you’re sure that she will be comfortable with it. And by “with it” I mean “tied up in it”!

SAHARA - Comic #31

2009-02-15T16:40:00.016-05:00

Finding a woman who is repulsed by you is not as easy as it sounds. This is the age of Facebook online dating. It’s very difficult to determine a person’s true intent by simply reading a few sentences on a video screen. This lack of real human contact is creating a generation of people who completely lack the ability to distinguish the difference between positive and negative innuendo. Did she throw that steak knife at me because she’s trying to kill me or was she just trying to get it to me ... really fast?! Is she drawing the shades to create a little romantic ambiance in the room or does she really not like me peaking in her windows at night?! You see without the real life human contact of being wrestled to the ground and handcuffed by a police officer, it could really go either way.

ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT - Comic #30

2009-02-15T16:36:00.004-05:00

It used to be that a guy would have to be pretty secure in his masculinity to be able to openly compliment another guy’s appearance. But nowadays I think it’s become a little more socially acceptable; as long as it’s done in the proper context. Commenting on the fact that one of your buddies has cut some weight as a result of his new workout regimen is fine. But telling him that his new sea foam sweater really brings out the green in his eyes? You may as well be pointing out just how nicely his penis fits into your mouth. As a matter of fact ... you may want to steer clear of guy’s who wear sea foam sweaters altogether. It’s not that I have a problem with the gay lifestyle, I just think that it’s important (as in football) to know which players are on which teams. Because there’s nothing more embarrassing than getting really drunk and spiking your balls in the wrong end zone!

KELLY RIPA - Comic #29

2009-02-15T16:33:00.004-05:00

Selective hearing can be a funny thing. It’s amazing how your mind sometimes only lets you hear what it wants you to hear. Like when your doctor says: “You’re lucky to be alive. I hate to break the bad news but you only have one week left to live. I’ve already met with your wife and told her”. And all you hear is: “Lucky break, you only have one week left to live with your wife”! Or when the judge says: “You were driving while impaired. That’s going to be 6 months in prison and a $5,000 fine”. And you hear: “You were driving while impaired? That’s fine”. And one of my personal favourites is when the hot waitress at the Chinese Restaurant says: “Would you like more Soya Sauce with your rice”? And all you hear is: “Oooh ... bang me now round eye”!

CONCERT SHIRT - Comic #28

2009-02-15T16:30:00.009-05:00

I’ve always wanted to take one of my buddies to a Slipknot concert and get him totally wasted. Then while he’s fumbling around in a drunken stupor, throw a bright pink Spice Girls t-shirt on him and push him into the Mosh Pit. I know it sounds kind of mean, but I’m sure that once he got out of the hospital, we would all just have a good laugh. Or at least as good as one can laugh with their jaw wired shut.

THE DREAM - Comic #27

2009-02-15T16:24:00.007-05:00

This was the strip that got me kicked off of Comics Sherpa. To be totally honest, I would have thought that the strips about “Bukkake” or “ATM” would have been the triggers. But apparently the editors there don’t have a problem with five guys frosting the face of a poor little Asian girl. Or with the idea of performing oral sex on a penis that is fresh out of the fudge factory. Nope – sex with dead people is where they draw the line. There’s nothing like having good wholesome family values.

PMS - Comic #26

2009-02-15T16:15:00.006-05:00

Here’s one for the ladies ... Premenstrual Syndrome. If a doctor tacks the word “syndrome” onto the end of your ailment, then you know it must be serious. I mean just look at all of the other conditions that have been categorized as syndromes. There’s Down Syndrome, Cardiopulmonary Syndrome and let us not forget The China Syndrome (that movie rocked). The weird thing about PMS is that it affects all women differently. My last girlfriend swears that she wasn’t affected by it at all. She used to say that the monthly altercations we used to have, were merely for my own personal benefit. Apparently dodging small appliances in mid flight is good for the development of one’s hand/eye co-ordination.

Who knew?!

THE OPTIMIST - Comic #25

2009-02-15T16:08:00.006-05:00

This strip is all about being positive. I once met an old homeless man who lived under a pile of garbage in a back alley. As bad off as he was, every time I passed by he was smiling. One day I decided to find out why. So I went up to him and said “Old man you have nothing, you live under a pile of garbage and yet you are always smiling ... why”? He lifted up a dirty old McDonald’s coffee cup and said “Because my glass is half full”! To which I replied “Yes, but it’s half full of your own urine”. “Why does that make you happy”? And he said “Have you tasted McDonald’s coffee”?

So what’s my point? I don’t know ... but apparently beggars “can” be choosers.

BROKEBACK - Comic #24

2009-02-15T16:02:00.007-05:00

This one is a little outdated but it’s kind of funny so I’m going to post it anyway. I actually drew it about 2 years ago and just sort of lost track of it. I thought about holding on to it just in case they ever make a “Broke Back Mountain 2”. But then deep down inside, I really hope they don’t. Unless of course they were to replace Heath Ledger with Clint Eastwood. I would definitely pay ten bucks to hear Clint Eastwood say: “Go ahead ... make me gay, punk”!

HOT DATE - Comic #23

2009-02-15T15:58:00.008-05:00

This strip takes me back to my days growing up on the farm. I still recall all those hot summer nights that I spent helpin’ Pa with the bovine enemas. Sliding my hand into that warm smelly orifice to remove the anal blockage ... I’m not sure what smelled worse, that old cow or the buck toothed girl next door who only bathed but once a month. Now I don’t want to say that this girl was nasty but when given the option, I chose to take the cow to the Spring Formal. Funny thing is – old Betsy was the prettiest girl there. She had the most teeth too. Hell she even took first place in the beauty contest. I can still see her strutting down the runway during the swimsuit competition with her milky white utters slightly aroused as they protruded from her bikini bottoms ...

Okay I’m going to stop now because I’m even starting to creep myself out!

LOSER - Comic #22

2009-02-15T15:51:00.007-05:00

The idea for this strip came from a late night infomercial. You know the one that tries to sell you "true love" at $3.99 per minute. Although this isn't exactly what the announcer said, I'm pretty sure it's what she meant! And yes I will admit it. I was partaking in the telephone foreplay. Sure $3.99 per minute is pretty steep. But with my sexual stamina - I'm usually tossing out the tissue somewhere around a $1.50.

DRUG TESTING - Comic #21

2009-02-15T15:46:00.006-05:00

The term “Mandatory Drug Testing” is really kind of misleading. It almost sounds like the company is going to make you test drugs. But I guess if that were the case, then they’d have to remove it from the “Job Requirements” section of the application because it would really be more of a “Benefit” than anything else.

And the great thing is ... any contract that requires you to do drugs, usually has a “Stripper” clause in it somewhere.

THE HOFF - Comic #20

2009-02-15T15:40:00.007-05:00

I think this one’s pretty much self explanatory. Hoff was the man when he was the Knight Rider. And when he was banging all of those hot female lifeguards on Baywatch, I was singing his praises. Hell I even liked his later work on YouTube when he actually made eating a hamburger look more disgusting than the “2 Girls 1 Cup” video. But I can’t just stand idly by and watch him do a pathetic Tom Jones impersonation for a bunch of screaming old ladies. Hoff you’re better than that! What you need to do is spend a week hanging out with Bruce Willis; that’ll get you back on track. Blowing up tunnels, crashing airplanes, jumping off of skyscrapers ... all things I might add, that you really can’t do in skin tight “pleather” pants. It’s just something to think about.

EBAY - Comic #19

2009-02-15T15:34:00.006-05:00

Here’s a good lesson for all of you guys out there. If you ever decide to take pictures of yourself naked ... never tell your buddies about it. You see, women are very respectful of other women’s privacy, so they would never tell anyone about the pictures. But as a guy – if I ever got my hands on a naked picture of one of my buddies; I’d send that sucker to every gay porn magazine in existence.

He’d be coming out of the closet without ever knowing he was in it.

WOODSTOCK - Comic #18

2009-02-15T15:28:00.006-05:00

In some sort of sick and demented way this strip is my tribute to the late great Charles Schulz. Charles drew the Peanuts gang for 50 years. That’s a hell of a run. That’s 50 years of Lucy pulling the football away at the last minute and 50 years of Chuck falling flat on his ass. I only wish Charles had lived long enough to do one final strip. The one were Charlie Brown gives his lunch money to Peppermint Patty to put the hurt on Lucy. Patty would round up the whole Peanuts gang and together they would lure Lucy down to the water’s edge where they would all lay a beating on her. Pig Pen would then dispose of the body by grinding up her remains and feeding them to Snoopy. That’s how I would have ended it. You know something ... the more I write, the more I’m beginning to realize why I’m not syndicated.

ATM - Comic #17

2009-02-15T15:23:00.007-05:00

I sometimes think that the people who are reading my strip are getting the wrong idea about me. Just because I have a tendency to weave sexual innuendo throughout my comics, doesn’t mean that I’m weird. I mean it’s not like I some sick perverted degenerate who sits at home at night and masturbates to pictures of Bugs Bunny in a dress (anymore). I refuse to be stereotyped as the traditional “Comic Book Geek”. I’m just like every other perfectly normal 40 year old man who ...

Oh, I’ve got to go. My Mom’s calling me.

TRICKS - Comic #16

2009-02-15T15:17:00.006-05:00

I think the hardest part about having a dog with no legs is what to name him. I mean it’s not like it really matters, he’s not gonna come when you call him anyway. But you still have to give him a name. I think a good name for a legless dog would be “Rollie”. If we were in England we’d probably call him “Prince or Duke”. And if we were in Cambodia, he’d probably be called “Lunch”!

CARNIVAL - Comic #15

2009-02-15T15:14:00.004-05:00

The “Salad Toss” is definitely one game that should be added to the mid-way of the local fair. Sure tossing a ring over a stick or a ball into a basket may take a little skill. But let’s face it ... tossing the salad of a toothless, decrepit old Carnie, takes a pretty strong constitution (not to mention gag reflex). Being able to insert your tongue into an orifice that’s laced with the excremental residue of a diet comprised mostly of chewing tobacco and pork rinds, is a talent that should definitely be rewarded. And not just with some old stuffed animal either. I think it should be a monetary reward. At least enough to cover the cost of having your tongue cut out and cauterized to help kill that funky taste in your mouth.

MULTI-TASKING - Comic #14

2009-02-15T15:02:00.008-05:00

Surfing the Internet with one hand and keeping your stroke rhythm constant with the other is not as easy as it sounds. Fortunately for me I just happen to be ambidextrous. It’s quite amazing how the computer has changed the art of self gratification over the last decade or so. Having a high speed connection to the seedy world of Internet porn is like having unlimited access to your Dad’s entire dirty magazine collection ... times one million. Unless of course you happen to have a dial up connection. That experience is more in tune with having to share one magazine with your two older brothers. By the time you get it, the pages are all stuck together and you can’t see shit!

TRUE SELF - Comic #13

2009-02-15T14:49:00.006-05:00

This strip is based on the “make a good impression” period of a relationship. There are a couple of problems that pretty much all men run into during this period. First of all, let’s talk about the fancy dinners. We guys are used to eating junk. If you go and throw some “real” food into us, it screws with our digestive system. If you think what we were eating was aromatic going in ... wait until it’s ready to come out. This leads us to the second problem. The “Chick Flick”. A theatre is usually a good place to dispose of a little methane. Because once you’ve released it, you can just blame it on someone else. But you can’t do that when there isn’t anyone else in the theatre to blame it on. And why is there no one else in the theatre? Because we’re at a “Chick Flick” and no one goes to see those except for guys who are in the “make a good impression” period of their relationship. Any guy that’s made it through that period has grown his balls back and is in the theatre next door watching “Die Hard 4” like a real man!

DRUG PROBLEM - Comic #12

2009-02-15T14:42:00.007-05:00

This brings me back to the days when I used to have to hide my “doobage” from my mother. I wish I could say that I was a master at concealing my evil deeds. But truthfully – I was so stoned that I really didn't care. I usually just hide it in one of my dresser drawers which meant that my clothes would always have that unmistakable odor of home grown pot. I spent years trying to convince her that my problem wasn’t drugs ... it was B.O.

To this day she still gives me hygiene products as a stocking stuffer at Christmas.

E-MAIL - Comic #11

2009-02-15T14:35:00.007-05:00

Mail ... E-mail ... you know the people at AOL should really be more specific. As a matter of fact, all internet websites could use a little clarification. Like the other day ... I was shopping online, looking for a bathing suit for my mother. So I typed in "bathing suit" and a site called "The Girls of Spring Break Gone Wild" came up. I must have search that website for about 6 hours and I didn't find one single bathing suit that I thought my mother would like. But I kept on looking. Why? Because I'm a good son and I love my mother and if that means I have to look at scantly clad women till the wee hours of the morning ... then so be it!

Now I have to start shopping for my nephew's birthday. He wants a "Batman Utility Belt". I think I'll just google "Strap-On Toys" and see what comes up!

BARNEY - Comic #10

2009-02-15T14:27:00.006-05:00

Okay I'll admit it - I've often thought about killing Barney. But it would only be as retribution for the obvious and intentional desecration of the sacred animated institution known as the "Flintstones". That's right, Barney is nothing more than a flaming "Queer Eye For The Straight Guy" rip-off of "Dino". Whomever it was that decided to give effeminate qualities to the worlds most ferocious predator, was an idiot. Barney should be a man eating carnivore, not a Broadway Choreographer. But it's not too late to make this right. So if the producers of the Barney Show are reading this, here's what you need to do. Have him eat just one kid, just one! If you do this one thing, redemption is yours. I'll be watching ... don't let me down!

ONLINE DATING - Comic #9

2009-02-15T14:23:00.010-05:00

In honor of my 50th strip, I've decided to discuss the ancient art of "Bukkake". It's a time honored tradition that, if I'm not mistaken, started with the Buddhist Monks. It was their way of keeping the tourists out of the temples (those wacky monks). In my opinion, I think "Bukkake" should become an Olympic event. It would have to be a team sport of course and I know what you're thinking ... that the Japanese would totally dominate in this event. As it should be. They perfected it, they deserve it! For those of you who aren't familiar with the term "Bukkake", it's most easily defined by comparing it to the jewelry analogy of giving someone a "Pearl Necklace". Except with "Bukkake", in addition to the "Pearl Necklace" ... the recipient would also receive matching "Pearl Earrings, Nose Ring and Tiara" along with a "Pearl Encrusted Scarf and Headband"!

CSI - Comic #8

2009-02-15T14:18:00.006-05:00

Ah yes, the old "Masturbation Mitten", the "Cock Sock", the "Semen Sample Sack" ... call it what you want, but ultimately it was the one solution which would eliminate the page fusion of our favorite dirty magazines. This is a dilemma that all young men must go through. I mean there's always the old stand by - tissue. But after a little while your waste paper basket would start to resemble a paper mache work of art. It would be a masterpiece that would take you over 6 months to create. But I guess that's to be expected when you only work on something for 3 minutes a day! But if I could give just one piece of advice to all of you budding spank burglars out there. It would be to never use your Mom's good dish towels ... and never, ever put them back in the linen closet after your done. Sorry Mom!

OLD AGE - Comic #7

2009-02-15T14:15:00.009-05:00

So why the old age crack you ask? It's in response to a reality check I went through a few weeks back. There I was, standing in a convenience store just minding my own business when this drop dead gorgeous girl starts flirting with me. Now this girl was easily 20 years younger than me so my ego was starting to exceed maximum capacity. As I walked over to her she just smiled and said "Your name's Craig right?" And with what seemed to be and unlimited amount of self assurance I said "Yes it is, do I know you?" I figured I'd play it cool and let her chase me. Then with a totally matter of fact tone of voice she replied "Yes you do ... you used to date my mother back when I was in pre-school!" BUUURRRNNN!!!!!! I've been knitting in my rocking chair ever since!

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CAREER COUNSELING - Comic #6

2009-02-15T14:11:00.006-05:00

There are just some things that you should not put on your resume. This is one of them. Another is a list of the tasks that you’re restricted from doing in accordance with “Megan’s Law”. It’s a sure fire way to get passed over for employment down at the local daycare center. Now I’m not suggesting that you lie on your resume, but you may want to embellish on the truth just a touch. Here’s an example ... “wanted in 7 countries for extortion” could be “highly sought after in the finance industry”. You get the picture.

JELLO WRESTLING - Comic #5

2009-02-15T14:08:00.007-05:00

Here’s a little homage to my 12 years as a strip club DJ. I think one of the things that I miss the most about that job is the Sunday afternoon “Jello Wrestling” competitions. It was quite a sight to watch excessively hairy over weight men struggle with scantily clad women in a pool of Jello - quite a disgusting sight that is. But nowhere near as disgusting as watching the cook pick the pubic hair out of the Jello before she put it back on the buffet dessert table the following afternoon!

DIMENSIONAL - Comic #4

2009-02-15T14:04:00.007-05:00

Okay ... I admit it. I used Jessica's name in a comic strip with the hope that she might see it and think it was cute. Then she'd call me and we'd start up a long distance relationship, which would eventually lead to marriage (because she has a thing for middle aged, struggling, comic strip writers). We'd eventually move to Hawaii where she would continue making millions at her movie career and I would sell oral sex to tourists on street corners to help finance my website.

Then I wake up and realize that it's only a dream ... except for the oral sex part, a guy's gotta make a living somehow!

JURY DUTY - Comic #3

2009-02-15T13:57:00.008-05:00

I’ve actually been on a panel of potential jurors on three separate occasions. I’m not entirely certain but I think after my fifth time I get a “FREE” submarine sandwich. All three times I was dismissed for having known the accused. Some people leave jury duty with a renewed sense of civic pride. I personally left with the overwhelming realization that I needed to find some new friends.

THE CHECK UP - Comic #2

2009-02-15T13:48:00.010-05:00

There’s something about the thought of a grown man being unknowingly sodomized in a Dentist’s chair that makes me giggle. Although I do think that Rufus walking away with his head down is funny ... I would have rather ended the strip with him crying in the shower. That would have been hilarious! But unfortunately there is only so much you can do with just 3 panels. I guess the moral of the story is – you may think that you’re going to avoid feeling any pain by choosing to be knocked out instead of given a local anaesthetic. But the truth is, even with laughing gas, there’s still a good chance that you’re going to feel some discomfort in the end.

“In the end” ... get it? Sodomy ... rear end ... get it? Oh never mind.

GRAFFITI - Comic #1

2009-02-15T13:44:00.009-05:00

Well folks ... this is my first official post. Which is kind of fitting, since this is the first "Life With Kreg" strip that I ever drew! I'm not exactly sure what's in store for Kreg and the gang, but you're all more than welcome to come along for the ride. Enjoy!